Konan's Wild Adventures, A Tale Of Epic Faghagery
by keikopanda102
Summary: Konan, being the only female in Akatsuki, notices something about her teammates... They are all GAY! So, what does she do with this information? Follow along with Akatsuki's signature faghag and her diary to find out! There may be smut. XD Complete!
1. A Note from the Akatsuki Faghag

The Adventures of Konan!

**Konan goes around Akatsuki one day and stirs up a bit of trouble for all the homosexuals in the group.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own! This is pretty much crack, btw. I just love the characters.**

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Hi, my name is Konan and I am a fag-hag. I say that because I am about 200% sure I am, at this moment, living with 8 homosexual males. Well... I'm not entirely sure about Zetsu and Tobi, but after today I'm going to make sure everything is out in the open! See, today I am bored. As hell. When I get this bored, I try and find something entertaining to do. As there is obviously nothing more entertaining than YAOI, I settled on that.

Ok, I'm lying. The reason this has suddenly come up for me is because of what I witnessed last week; Deidara, nude.

Now, I really hope no one gets pissed at me about this, but until I saw Deidara changing after taking a shower, I had absolutely no idea he was a guy.

No, seriously. I'm not kidding.

The boy looks more like a girl than I do! Sure his voice is a little like a guys but I just thought she- erm _he_ was trying to fit in! I had no clue it was because he had a penis! Anyway, after I discovered this shocking fact a lot of pieces of the puzzle started fitting into place in my mind. I had always wondered what Deidara and Sasori's relationship was even before I knew he was a guy. Now that I know, it all gets a LOT more interesting! The first thing that popped into my mind when I was thinking about all of this was a flashback to about the second month Deidara had been in Akatsuki:

I was making me and Nagato breakfast when Hidan came in. He was wearing barely anything as usual but I ignored it. I had always thought the rest of the guys in the gang didn't think of me as a girl because I was on the team with them- now I'm thinking differently. Anyway, next thing I know, Sasori walked in looking awfully cheerful. Which, for him, is really saying something.

He wasn't smiling, but he might as well have been glowing. Deidara on the other hand, looked a mess as he followed Sasori into the living room which connects the kitchen. I offered Deidara some coffee, thinking he(she, back then) just had a hangover or something. He took it and made a slight effort to smile. I then noticed Hidan getting an awfully playful glint in his creepy pink eyes. Calling the glint playful is the nicest thing to call it. It was actually more like a disturbing/terrifying glint, but that's besides the point.

Deidara then walked over to sit in a chair next to Hidan. Just as he was about to sit- Hidan pulled the chair out from under him.

Deidara fell onto the floor with a crash, landing perfectly on his ass. His bright blue eyes shot open and he yelped. Hidan began laughing as Deidara teared up and started yelling curses at him. Sasori pretended not to see them as Deidara stood up and Hidan said,

"Don't act like such a little girl, damn."

Suddenly Kakuzu was all tall looming over Hidan. Hidan kind of stopped laughing as Kakuzu said,

"Yeah, like you've never suffered from 'back-aches.' Idiot."

"Asshole!" Hidan growled as he stalked back into his room to go sacrifice a goat or something. Deidara was still a little moist eyed as he went over to Sasori and pouted. It may have just been my imagination, but I thought I heard Sasori mutter,

"It's ok. I'll get him back later, don't worry."

All I know is that for the next 2 weeks, any time Hidan tried to sit down, Sasori's little puppet strings were pulling the chair right from under him. Those were an amusing 2 weeks, I admit.

Ok, ok. So do you get it now? Why I would think the people I'm living with might be gay? Not just Sasori and Deidara but Hidan and Kakuzu too! Besides, I haven't even gotten started on Kisame and Itachi.

As for Itachi's sexuality, I'm am definitely positive on. He is gay. There is no way in hell he could be that feminine and fucking anal and NOT be gay. He is gay. The strange thing is Kisame. See, Itachi is good looking. And I mean not general decent looking, I mean really, really, really good looking. He's kind of like a demon or something with those red eyes. A sexy demon, definitely.

But Kisame... well, he is not very good looking. Not at all, actually. I don't really even know how someone who is probably part shark or something could even be good looking. Kisame is really just kind of old and scruffy and rough. The complete opposite of perfect little Itachi Uchiha. Which begs the question, why would they be together? With Itachi's good looks, well he could have anyone he wanted, I'm sure of it! So why settle on someone like Kisame? That's one of the questions I plan on finding the answer to today.

Don't get me wrong, being old and everything isn't bad. I mean, Kakuzu is like, 99 or something. He just seems to pull it off better than Kisame. Even when Kakuzu has his mask off he still looks decent. He just looks dangerous and brave with all his scars. Kisame just looks... well terrifying. A bit like how Nagato looks these days, actually...

Never mind Nagato though! I'm trying to figure out everyone else! So, I decided when I woke up this morning that I would start with what I think will be easiest; Sasori and Deidara.

* * *

So here's the deal, for the past few months Nagato has been telling everyone to lay low. He says that we should focus on monetary gain as opposed to actually capturing jinchuriki. I don't think this was a very good plan, especially considering who exactly he was telling to "lay low".

I am mostly referring to Hidan. The man is a giant beacon of loud, attention-grabbing energy. It's like he has a huge sign that says, "LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!" above his head. After only about 10 instances where his loud moron-ness nearly got us in big trouble, Nagato decided he would be staying inside the headquarters until it was time for us to reveal ourselves to the world. Of course, this did not please the obnoxious idiot, and he complained. Loudly.

In the end, his complaints were disregarded and it was decided that we would all be staying firmly inside headquarters until Nagato deemed it time to show ourselves.

By the way, this was only a rule, that does not mean that anyone actually followed it. While Nagato _can_ be in at least 6 places at once, that doesn't mean he can actually stop 8 highly skilled criminals from somehow getting around him and leaving our base of operations.

Right now in fact, all of Akatsuki seemed to have vanished right beneath his nose, and it did put him in a bit of a bad mood. He could tell instantly that no one was there because there was no arguing, cursing, explosions, strange smells, or Tobi's laughter to be heard.

"Konan," Pain turned to me as I sat on the couch folding paper, "How do they get out?"

I just shrug and resume what I am doing.

"I need you to go out and find them."

Really? Perfect! This is the _perfect_ way to catch them doing something. I have not forgotten about my plan. Time to put it in action!

Yesterday I bought a diary, and I'm going to record the things that happen in that. Well, I'm off to go track down all those ridiculous criminals and see if anything funny comes out of it!

Here I go!

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**Konan, off on another whirl-wind adventure! Er... for the first time! Hee hee!**

**I know this chapter is short but I think the others might be longer... We'll see... **

**I'm hoping that the only really OOC character in this will be Konan, but since its a comedy and very crackish, everyone will prolly be at least a little OOC. Oh well, it'll still be funny. **

**Btw, I'm only continuing this if I get good reviews...**

**KeikoPanda102**


	2. Dear Diary 1

The Diary of a Fag-hag:

Dear Diary,

Konan here, and WOW was today a super great day or WHAT! Once I got out of this boring hideout and tracked down those lousy bunch of criminals my day really got exciting.

Finding them was way easier than I thought it'd be, then again, I can always count on either Hidan or Deidara to give me a signal on where they are. It's either gonna be someone screaming or a pillar of smoke coming up from the ground. This time it was screaming.

It seemed that Hidan and Kakuzu got into some sort of argument on the way to wherever they were going, I guess it was a park, and, like most of their arguments, Hidan ended up headless. Usually when the people around see this they scream, or faint. I think it was both this time.

I got there a little bit after the screaming and fainting so I'm not sure if the poor lady fainted from the sight of headless Hidan or if Zetsu knocked her over the head while she was yelling. That guy really doesn't love loud noises. Well, I think one side of him doesn't.

All I know is that when I landed(since I was flying all through Amegakure trying to find them) Tobi was freaking out, Deidara was trying to get him to shut up, and Hidan was still headless.

"Can you please put his head back on, Kakuzu." I said as I landed.

"Yeah asshole!" Hidan added unnecessarily. "You heard her! Put my damn head back!"

Kakuzu was awfully quiet for a minute except I think I heard his teeth grind together in frustration and anger. After a little while he grabbed Hidan's head by the hair(rather hard), and as he ignored Hidan's loud screaming which went something like,

"OUCH! YOU DICK! THAT FUCKING HURTS! DON'T YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HURTING PEOPLE KAKUZU? YOU SON OF A BITCH, PUT ME DOWN!"

he brought the bodiless head up to eye level, probably smirking beneath his mask, and said quite maliciously,

"Beg."

The rest of the group started laughing at Hidan's shocked expression and his obvious helplessness. All he could do was avert his eyes and pout angrily until Sasori decided to save him by drawing everyones attention away from the loud Jashinist.

"If we keep stopping like this, we're going to be late. You all know how I-"

"Hate to keep people waiting." Kisame growled with a roll of his eyes. "We know."

Then under his breath he muttered, "We aren't even going to meet anybody... why do we gotta get there so quick?"

"Good." Sasori spat back. "Then can we please keep moving."

He started walking down the tree-lined pathway they had been stopped on. It was just on the edge of Amegakure, nearly leaving the village full of tall, metal buildings. It was only drizzling over here as opposed to the heavy downpour where headquarters is located.

"What about Konan, un?" Deidara asked, giving me a searching look.

"Ah she's cool, she can stay. S'not like Leader-sama's here all up our asses tellin' us to get back inside the motherfuckin' headquarters. Man that pisses me off!" Hidan seemed to have gotten his head reattached in the time it took Sasori to start complaining.

Hey, at least they weren't trying to kick me out. I didn't want to have to go all stalker-fangirl on them but I was 100% prepared to do that. I brought my camera. You know, just in case. I had absolutely not forgotten why I was out here following them in the first place!

As I walked after them I kept a close eye, making sure to catch them if they were doing anything drool-worthy, unfortunately, nothing seemed to be going on.

This made me kind of frustrated. Were they trying to hide it, or were my initial instincts incorrect? I definitely knew I was still right, so that just left the fact that they were hiding it. What morons!

So, I'm sure you're wondering what 8 highly skilled and dangerous criminals were on their way to do at the park. Well you probably thought what I was thinking at that time; they would cause some havoc or destruction, kill some people, eat some babies; stuff like that. But no, oh no. That would be just tooooo predictable for these guys! They came to the park in the middle of the day...

...to have a picnic.

No, really. I wish I were kidding. I swear these guys are the biggest fairies ever.

The second we reached the park Sasori asked,

"Who has the basket?"

"I dooo!" Tobi yelled and ran over to one of the tables underneath a large platform to keep out the rain which had started getting heavier the moment we got there. He set the huge, no really _gigantic,_ basket I hadn't even noticed that he was carrying before on the table and threw it open. Just as everyone was sitting down Hidan(surprise, surprise) was the first one to speak,

"Oooh! Do I smell spare ribs? Yuuuum!!!"

"_Unless they're human ribs we've got no interest_..." Zetsu's back side said very seriously. "Maybe we should go through with eating Tobi then?" his white side added with a lick of his lips.

"Zetsu-chan wouldn't do that, would you?" Tobi cried over-dramatically. Man that guy is annoying sometimes. Zetsu just laughed and watched as Tobi tried explaining how bad he probably tasted. Hidan was digging into the food, Kisame pulled out some sushi for himself and Itachi, and Kakuzu began counting his money and grumbling something about how expensive spare ribs were.

And that was when I noticed that Deidara and Sasori were no where to be found.

"Where did Deidara and Sasori go?" I asked suspiciously.

Hidan laughed. "Ha! Their prolly out somewhere fu-"

He was cut off by Kakuzu gabbing him in the ribs, obviously breaking or dislocating one. He coughed and wheezed until Kakuzu had to help him set the bone back in place. Kakuzu then grabbed Hidan's hair(for the second time I had seen today) and whispered something in his ear gruffly. I could totally see Hidan glance towards me. Way to be **ninja** guys. Anyway, I smiled when they all stared at me, wondering if I was thinking what they were thinking.

I _so_ was.

"Well" I announced as I got up from the table, "I need to um... find a bathroom."

"It's that way!" Shouted three men at the same time. Kisame was pointing to the left, Kakuzu was pointing to the right, and Hidan was pointing straight upwards, towards the roof. I think his was my favorite. Then of course Tobi felt left out and he pointed in the direction of a small circle of bushes covered with a canopy of trees a few meters behind where we were.

"Konan you should try that way! Deidara-senpai and Sasori-san went over there a little while ago! Maybe they had to go potty too?"

Everyone else at the table groaned while Hidan smacked the back of Tobi's head angrily. I just smiled and walked(ok maybe ran a little) in the direction Tobi had pointed.

It didn't take me long to find them as Tobi had given very helpful directions.

And there, just beyond the hedges, there they were.

That's right. My every instinct had been spot on, 100%, totally and completely correct. Sasori and Deidara are not only "together" like I thought they were, they were _getting_ "together" behind the bushes at the park! **Who the hell does that!?**

I'll tell you who.

THE SEX CRAZED MANIACS I LIVE WITH!

I know it may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm really not. In fact, this discovery may be the best thing i've found out about them yet. Who cares how many people they've killed? Who gives a damn what kind of weird powers they have?

THEY WERE HAVING SEX ON THE GROUND AT THE PARK.

There is nothing better than this.

And, I am happy to say, I have not failed as a fangirl this day. No, this day was a success. Want to know why?

I captured all of this crazy love-making behind the bushes in the park... on tape. That's right, as soon as I saw Sasori's bare naked butt I knew this would be a day to remember. He was on top of Deidara, leaving the bomber bare-assed on the cold earth, though I don't think he really minded. He was a little distracted if you can imagine.

**And, **as he called out over and over and over again, I finally realized something:

Danna.

It means "Husband." Or, I suppose it could be translated into "My man." Although I think my favorite translation of "Danna" would have to be "Master." It kind of fits, doesn't it? In more ways than one!

I couldn't believe I never put it together before. Deidara calls Sasori "Danna" all the damn time! It's "Danna" this and "Danna" that. I think he called Kisame Danna once by accident and Sasori got pissed. Back then I didn't even put it together but now I totally _get_ it!

Anyway, back to the park.

So as I was recording the beautiful scene in front of me, the other guys kinda wandered over too. I was worried they'd try to stop me or something since Sasori and Deidara are their friends but... nothing! Some friends they are! They just watched and laughed. Oh well, good for me, bad for the artsy couple on the ground.

Speaking of artsy, do you know they actually incorporate their taste in art into their sex life? No, really. It's fucking hilarious. You know how Deidara's always saying stuff should only last for a little while and it's beautiful because its fleeting? And how Sasori's always going on about stuff lasting forever to be true art? Well yeah.

Deidara had come about 4 times(not sure how he managed that) and Sasori was still waiting for more. I would have been a bit worried for Deidara's backside if he hadn't seemed like he liked it so much. He kept screaming,

"I'm gonna _**explode**_ Danna! Unnn!"

When Sasori finally collapsed(finally!), everyone else gave them about one second of peace before breaking out into applause.

You should have seen the look on Deidara's face!

It was absolutely priceless. You know those commercials about priceless stuff? Well none of those things even come close to how priceless this was. Trust me.

After about another 2 hours of running around while Deidara chased me, trying to get the camera back, we all came home.

Now I have to go make dinner. I'll make sure to keep writing in my diary anytime something fun happens.

Later!

-Konan

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**So, this obviously isn't the actual video that Konan took of Sasori and Deidara, but I did just upload a super perfect SasoDei AMV on my youtube account if you wanna check it out. My account is: Harmony102 and the vid is called SasoDei - Love Goes Boom!**

**I'm actually going to try to add other elements to this story, like an AMV, in accordance to what Konan does. Like, if she takes a picture, I'll draw a picture and put it on my DeviantArt. Does that sound good to anyone?**

**KeikoPanda102**


	3. Dear Diary 2

The Diary of a Fag-hag:

Dear Diary,

You know what's weird, Diary? Genjutsu. Genjutsu is really weird. And complicated! Not to mention cheap as hell in a battle. Of course, I'd never want Itachi to hear me say that. Genjutsu is like, his "thing," you know? I'll bet he hasn't had to physically fight someone in _years_, not that I hold it against him. Hell, if I could get the job done without getting my hands dirty that'd be great! Not that I really mind fighting or killing or anything. Itachi's different though... He never seeks out a fight(unlike Hidan, Deidara, or Kisame), and when he has to fight someone, there is no bloodlust in those deep red eyes of his. It's strange, especially since he's supposed to be this big time villain who murdered his whole family and all. When I first heard he was joining Akatsuki, I had a completely different image of him. When I met him I was very surprised at how calm he seemed, as if he controlled everything around him, planning it all out so things always went his way. I don't know why, but I feel like no one really _knows_ the real Itachi. I think he's hiding something... but I'm not sure what.

Oh well, I guess it's not that important. After all, he's never done anything suspicious, I'm probably just being paranoid.

See, Diary, the reason I've suddenly realized how weird genjutsu is, is because of the incident that occurred yesterday...

I was passing by Kisame and Itachi's room and I heard this arguing going on inside. It seemed to be getting a little heated, and of course my fangirl senses were tingling, so I decided it couldn't hurt to try and mediate their fight just a little. Honest, I had good intentions when I opened the door into their room.

I opened the door, saw those spinning red eyes, and then black. I waited a few seconds, then slowly opened my eyes, only to find myself in some twisted alternate reality, obviously of Itachi's making. Everything was inversely colored and a silvery grey, except Itachi's eyes, which I could see glowing from where I was a few meters away. It took me a minute to get used to my surroundings. The sky went on endlessly, a few unusually colored clouds floating past every now and then. On the ground there were a bunch of walls, only a few feet thick, and about 12 feet tall, placed randomly and looking as if they were just there for decoration. They also seemed to go on for miles, although I didn't really see what use they were, since Itachi wasn't doing anything with them, except for one.

It was Kisame's voice that finally made me look over at the two of them and realize what was going on.

"Do you really need to use the black and white 'tachi?" he asked, staring down at his partner from his position; tied and hanging from one of the walls so he couldn't move a muscle.

There was a quiet, and then Itachi blinked, and colored instantly returned to the strange genjutsu universe, although it was muted. Suddenly, I realized how awkward it would be if they noticed I had somehow been sucked into the jutsu. It was pretty clear Itachi had wanted the conversation to be private, why else go to all the trouble of creating the alternate world? I hid myself behind the nearest wall, lucky for me, it was turned just at the right angle for me to still be able to see and hear what the two demons were up to.

I watched as Itachi slowly removed his akatsuki cloak and Kisame tried to turn his head to look at his newly returned colors.

"That's bet- YOW!" Even I was surprised when a sword suddenly appeared in Itachi's hands and sliced straight through Kisame's shirt, even nicking him a little in the chest and drawing a bit of blood. Kisame exhaled and stared down at Itachi patiently.

"Look, Itachi... I'm sorry, ok?"

Completely ignoring his partner's apology, Itachi used the sword slower to cut up the rest of Kisame's shirt. I could see the way Kisame sucked in his chest with each slice, trying to avoid any more bloodshed on his part. Can't say I blame him, I know I wouldn't last long in front of a glare like the one in Itachi's eyes.

After Kisame was completely shirtless, Itachi started to slice through his pants, and it looked to me like he was being even less careful where the sword went. Kisame was gritting his pointed teeth with every slice, but when the pants were finally just shreds on the ground, he let out a long exhale.

"I know you could just make the clothes disappear if you wanted to, why do you have to cut 'um off like this?"

Kisame made a good point, one that was ignored by Itachi who went back to making sure every piece of clothe was on the ground and not on Kisame. Then, I think I figured out why he didn't just vanish away the clothes. Ripping them off was _waaaay_ hotter, and If you ask me... Itachi liked to watch Kisame squirm!

Suddenly the wall Kisame was attached to began sinking into the ground so he was his usual height and only a little bit taller than Itachi. The red eyed demon slowly reached up and pulled off Kisame's headband, tossing it to the ground a second later. From where I was standing, Kisame was starting to get nervous, although I wasn't really sure why. Itachi swept a hand through greenish blue hair and Kisame snarled, only making Itachi grab a handful of said hair and pull.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Kisame muttered, avoiding Itachi's sharp eyes, "I said I was sorry, didn't I?"

Itachi didn't reply, he just released Kisame's hair and grasped into the air with his right hand until the sword from before almost magically appeared there. He held the blade to Kisame's throat for a moment, and I felt myself swallow in time with the shark, worried about the thoughtful look Itachi had on his face. Itachi then moved the blade down and cut a line through one leg of the boxers Kisame was left with, ripping the rest and leaving him bare.

And just in case you were wondering, Kisame is the same color blue down there as the rest of him. *wink wink*

Now Kisame was gulping for real, pure terror was in his eyes as he watched Itachi run the blade down his chest towards a very sensitive area a bit lower. Kisame, who could do nothing but close his eyes and yell,

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

over and over again, was starting to really regret whatever it was he had done to piss Itachi off so bad.

I have to admit, even I was beginning to get curious as to what the hell he could have done! I mean, Itachi was really giving it to him good, and scary. I imagine it takes a lot to freak out a giant, half-man, half-shark... so what could possibly have made Itachi so angry?

Suddenly, the sword was gone from Itachi's hand, and his punishment changed forms just a little. He let his thin fingers roam Kisame's broad chest, and almost instantly the shark understood that something was different.

"Oh no Itachi please don't..." he begged as Itachi moved his hands lower.

This was where it really started to get good, Diary! I mean, I could see everything! I had a front row to the Kisame/Itachi show! And let me tell you... If I ever thought Itachi was sexy before this... that's nothing compared to how sexy and downright scary he looked when he was just inches away from stroking Kisame's now raging hard-on.

Itachi looked like a master at seduction, the way he _almost_ gave Kisame what he wanted... but never really did it. The frustration was starting to show on Kisame's face and I understood why he would be even more terrified of this than he had been of the sword. Of course, I was still curious as to why in the world Itachi was doing this, especially since it seemed to me that, whatever he had done, Kisame was very, _very_ sorry.

He kept mumbling it over and over as he watched Itachi slowly strip in front of him, giving him a show that it was quite clear Kisame wanted more of. He was straining against the wall he was strapped to with intense desire to relieve himself and just to touch Itachi, at least, that's how it looked from where I was hiding.

"Holy fuck I'M SORRY, ok!"

Itachi stopped what he was doing, which had been blowing gently on Kisame's giant erection. He stepped back and raised his gaze confidently.

"For what?" he asked coolly.

Kisame, panting as if he'd just ran a mile, dropped his head for a second, then glanced back up. He made a very unhappy face, which Itachi ignored, and waited for him to reply. Finally, Kisame quietly muttered,

"For... trying to kiss you while you were sleeping..."

I stood, dumbfounded, behind one of the unused walls. That's all he did! He tried to kiss his while he was sleeping so Itachi had to use the nightmare genjutsu on him? I just didn't think that was very fair! Then I looked up and saw something in Itachi's eyes I hadn't noticed before; amusement. He _liked_ having such control over Kisame, I could see it in the way he looked at him, all hung up on the wall, so painfully in the palm of his hand. Itachi was just using his anger as foreplay! He's way sexier than even I gave him credit for!

Kisame, on the other hand, didn't seem to understand as much, and it seemed that underneath the playful way Itachi was messing with Kisame, Itachi was serious about something too. Kisame tried formulating the right words a few times, until finally he just shouted,

"You looked so cute and innocent when you were asleep! You didn't have your guard up like you always do. I just wanted to see _that_ Itachi for once..."

His plea was very heartfelt, even to me, the simple bystander(and fangirl). I think it got to Itachi too, because he moved closer to Kisame and held the taller mans face in his hand, trailing his fingers along his cheek and gills softly. He leaned in so I could barely hear when he said,

"I like you, Kisame. I shouldn't like you. You're rough and cruel, and murderously evil, not to mention a literal monster. I shouldn't have let you, but you broke into my heart."

I felt like I was going to cry, especially when Itachi leaned in to kiss Kisame's rugged lips, and the shark stopped him by muttering,

"But I'm still not first, am I?"

With a slight smile, Itachi closed the distance between their lips, and my tears began to pour. The kiss was very sincere, and seemed to hold both of their feeling in balance with each other. I wish Nagato would kiss me like that sometime...

At the same time, the wall Kisame had been pinned too started to fall back and transform. By the time it was flat, it was a bed with silken silver sheets and Kisame's body was free to move about. He took instant use of his freedom to cup Itachi's face in his hands as he deepened their kiss.

Soon he was pulling his large hands through Itachi's long black locks, tossing the band he used to tie it to the ground and letting it flow all down his pale back. Kisame broke apart from their kissing to make a track of love-bites all down Itachi's neck and chest, spending extra time around his obviously sensitive nipples. All the while his fingers moved down, quietly preparing Itachi's backside for later.

Once again, I found myself amazed at just how sexy it was possible for someone to be. Itachi made just the right sounds and just the right movements at just the right time. Kisame treated Itachi like a god, and it was obvious in the way he touched him. Like he was fragile, and something to be protected, but also with a breathtaking excitement that I felt as if I could even feel from where I was.

And here, Diary, is where I have to tell you something very embarrassing about myself. It's going to make me very glad this is a private journal and isn't going public! See, I have a little... problem... when I see too much hotness all at one time. It was bad enough that I was crying because of how sweet Itachi and Kisame were to each other! Now... with all the insanely gorgeous sex going on right in front of me, as if a really good porno were being acted out live, but better, I just couldn't help it! I- I- I... I started to... **_drool..._** I didn't even notice it, and then all of the the sudden it was dripping down my face! I was so shocked and embarrassed I nearly got myself caught. I suppose it could have been worse... It could have been a nosebleed. Oh shit... I just jinxed myself, didn't I?

Anyway! Back to Kisame and Itachi in bed! It seemed like Kisame had gotten impatient, and Itachi actually felt the same. Kisame was sitting up halfway, with Itachi on top, and then the dark-haired demon slowly impaled himself onto Kisame. Kisame threw his head back with an animalistic snarl, but it was nothing compared the the cry Itachi let out. I'd never thought I'd never hear the reserved Uchiha make a sound anywhere near what that! There's no good way of describing it, except that he was in pure ecstasy.

The way Kisame and Itachi moved seemed like slow motion. They were beautiful, and I know I have to take back every thing I ever said about Kisame being ugly. It was obvious from the way he held Itachi that he felt a great deal for the younger man, maybe he even loved him. That was enough for me. He would have my respect as long as I lived for that reason.

Itachi is a complicated individual. He always seems too calm, too together, or too intelligent for the things around him. But when he was, to put it vulgarly, letting Kisame fuck him, he looked much more peaceful.

They both came at the same time, together, and when Itachi collapsed, I just barely saw Kisame catch him before it all faded, and I was back in the doorway of their room staring into black eyes instead of red. I turned and left as quick as I could, rushing back to my room so I could wash off the drool that was dripping from my chin.

I'm not sure if Itachi knew I was there, but from the way he smirked at me before I ran away... I have a feeling that nothing really slips by him. I think he knew I was there the whole time. Somehow, I feel like I should thank him, but if I did, he would probably just deny it.

If I regret one thing, it's not getting any of it on film. Genjutsu is a funny thing... if you aren't careful, you could confuse it with a really strange dream...

* * *

**I don't have anything special to go with this, but I think it's a darn fine chapter! I like making KisaIta stuff sweet... idk why. It just seems like if they really were gonna do each other, it'd be sweet. And I think that the way Kisame treats Itachi in the real Naruto is a bit sweet in it's own way... XD**

**Please review!**

**KeikoPanda102**


	4. Dear Diary 3

Diary of a... Girl.

Dear Diary,

I know this was supposed to be a journal to record all my wonderful fangirl findings relating to me housemates... but I need to write about something a little bit different today. I heard it's good to write down you're feelings when you can't say them out loud, and that kinda sounds like bullcrap to me, but I'll go ahead and give it a try anyway.

See, the problem, Diary is with my- my-

Dammit even _that_ is a problem. I don't even know what he **is** anymore.

When we were younger, just naive, hormonal children, I follow my rash emotions and seduced him. For a while, everything was good, even great! We weren't happy, we've never had a taste of peace long enough to know what happiness is, but we were content, I think. I know I was, and I really did think he was as well. I could sense it when he held me, or when he said my name. I thought... it was love.

For me, it wouldn't matter what he did, who he became, or even what he put me through, I would follow him forever. He thinks I do it because he's my oldest friend and like my leader, but that isn't really why.

It's because I love him.

Oh, sorry, Diary, you don't even know who I'm talking about, do you? It's Nagato of course, it's always been Nagato.

He has such wonderful dreams, but he doesn't know how much I need him, how much I love him. I don't think he knows it at all. Every time I try to tell him or to get him to take me to bed, he either changes the subject or ignores it all together. It's starting to piss me off!

I don't even care which body he used, I just wanted him to touch me! It wouldn't matter even if it was just sex, he doesn't have to say anything as long as he shows me that he's still attracted to me. I'm so desperate i'd take anything I could get at this point. Even just a kiss...

I don't know what his problem is, and of course he'd never talk about it. I can't push him, either, because he isn't very strong lately, and I have to do my best to look after him.

Personally, I think sex would help his situation, but what do I know?

I guess I'll just wait it out. Maybe if he finally achieves peace we can be really happy together. Well, a girl can dream.

On a separate but less depressing note:

Nagato decided to let all of us go to a really fancy hotspring resort just outside of Amegakure. He figures that if he lets them out willingly they'll stop trying to escape and cause so much trouble all the time. I'm not sure how well that's going to work, especially since he's only sending his God's realm body and me along to babysit. We're leaving tomorrow.

The best part is the many yaoi opportunities that present themselves at a spa. Steamy open baths, private rooms, and relaxation; a recipe for romance!

Maybe I can finally catch Hidan and Kakuzu going at it. They've been particularly sneaky since the park incident and they figured out what I'm after. I snuck into their room using my wallpaper jutsu the other day, but Hidan was just putting his pants **on**. So not what I wanted.

Anyway, I do feel a bit better getting all that Nagato stuff off my mind, but sorry for being depressing, Diary. Wow, I should have started a diary years ago, this is really pretty fun!

I'm sure I'll write more soon,

-Konan

**Sorry for the shortness but... yeah.**

**KeikoPanda102**


	5. Dear Diary 4

Diary of a Fag-hag:

Dear Diary,

I haven't written in a while, but I have a damn fine excuse! It all began on the day we finally got to go to the bathhouse...

It was around noon on friday when we left the Akatsuki hideout for the hot-springs way up in the mountains. Of course, Deidara and I could have flown there in a fraction of the time, but we had a few walkers that slowed us down. At least Kakuzu and Deidara had convinced Sasori to leave behind his Hiruko puppet on this trip. Waddling along with that thing behind us, we would have still been walking to the damn resort!

Anyway, the trip there was mostly uneventful. Zetsu was a bother to all of us, even more so than Hidan or Tobi, surprisingly. Hidan was pretty quiet, only speaking up every few miles to complain about the long distance or the steep incline of the mountain road. Tobi bounced along ahead of everyone, and whenever Zetsu piped in he always replied, further spurring on the obnoxious plant-man's ridiculous conversations he was having- mostly with himself. All in all, the traveling was almost peaceful. It was a very nice day for walking, and the leaves were just starting to turn colors along the side of the road. I even thought I saw Itachi crack a smile once, but it may have just been a trick of the light. We reached the spa around ten at night, and everyone was set up with specifically assigned rooms. I'm sure you can guess who all went together.

Sasori and Deidara, neither of them seeming even the slightest bit tired, decided to trek further up the mountain, saying something about the 'beautiful art of the night sky.' Really, I just think they have a kink for doing it outside.

Kisame was the first and only person relaxing in the chilly stream out back, with Itachi sitting dutifully on the bank, awaiting the time when they could retire to their shared room.

Hidan went straight to the hot springs, and I had expected Kakuzu to follow, but that was before I realized that there was a small gambling bar in the back corner of the large resort. I did see them exchange some sort of agreement before they went their separate ways, but I hadn't been listening quite close enough.

Zetsu went to find something to eat, Tobi skipping after him humming some stupid tune.

Nagato(in his God's realm body, of course) and I were left to have a quiet meal in our private room. The bodies don't need to eat though, so he just waited patiently for me to finish my dinner, keeping a good ear trained on the rest of the resort so as to make sure none of the guests we were responsible for were causing any sort of commotion.

After I was done eating I felt very tired, and it had been a long time since I had had anything even close to a vacation. Even if Kakuzu was moaning and groaning about how much the weekend would cost, I knew(oh, how I knew!) he and everyone else would enjoy it completely.

I remember thinking that I would lay down for a nap, then maybe get up a little later and check on everyone again, but I drifted off the moment I laid down on the soft silk mattress. The last thing I remember was a cold hand gently placed on my forehead as I fell asleep. I remember it felt very nice...

I didn't wake up later like I planned. When I awoke it was already one in the afternoon on Saturday! I'd heard the small sound of a wooden door closing and it made me sit right up. I looked around to see Yahiko staring at me! I have to admit... sometimes it surprises me when I see that body, even though I know it is really Nagato. I have many memories with Yahiko that are not so easy to forget.

"Konan," he said softly, with no emotion. "You are awake. I thought I would let you sleep, I..."

"Thank you, Nagato." I said, smiling sleepily. He nodded.

He then told me that he had just gotten back from breaking up a fight between Kakuzu and one of the guys from the gambling room. He had forbade Kakuzu to go back in the room for the rest of the trip. Kakuzu was angry for a minute, but agreed that he had already won plenty that night, and quitting while he was ahead may not be such a bad idea.

This, finally, reminded me of why I was really there! THE YAOI OF COURSE!

I'd almost forgot about my plan when I saw all the nice baths and massages and meals they were offering, but this news had sparked my fangirl senses once again! If Kakuzu was forbidden from gambling again, he would have no other entertainment than to go do perverted things to(I'm sure) an all-too-willing Hidan.

Then, Nagato told me that earlier that morning a few of the kind resort workers had pulled Hidan from his private bath, totally passed out from staying too long in the boiling hot waters. He was still resting up in his and Kakuzu's room- so that's where I needed to go!

Strangely, while walking down the hallway and past all of the rooms I knew our fellow Akatsuki members were inside, I noticed they were all completely silent. Then, while passing Kisame's and Itachi's, I heard light snoring and realized that they must all still be sleeping like I was. I was sure their nights were even longer than mine were. They are all more night animals anyways, I should have expected that.

Finally I reached Hidan and Kakuzu's room. I heard some talking inside, but it was so quiet I almost didn't believe it could belong to Kakuzu- especially not to Hidan. I couldn't hear what was being said so I pressed my ear to the door to try and hear better, then suddenly the door sprang open and Kakuzu was glaring down at me with those creepy green eyes of his.

I jumped back, shocked, as he closed the door behind him lightly and rolled his eyes.

"Good morning, Konan." I should have known then that he was on to me.

"Morning- er, afternoon, I guess. Is Hidan in there?"

"He's sick. The moron-"

"Oh right!" I interjected, remembering what Nagato had told me before. "He stayed in the hot bath too long!"

Kakuzu eyes me suspiciously then started walking down the hall. I noticed that he had a wet towel and a few dirty plates in his hands. I followed after him when he said more,

"Fell asleep, actually. Plus he was doing..."

He trailed off. I realized that I could notice about twice as many emotions on his face when he wasn't wearing that dumb mask. He had left it in the room and was walking around with his long hair tied back in a loose ponytail. He looked a bit nice for once, like he was really relaxing. He shook his head then continued,

"He was doing stupid things you aren't supposed to do in a bath, and he lost his voice. It's really a shame." He said it with the kind of smile that made it perfectly clear he did _not _think it was a shame at all. He turned a corner so quickly I nearly lost him and started walking down a narrower hall that ended in only one room. As it turned out, it was the laundry room.

There were already a few small girls inside, and when Kakuzu walked in they cowered a bit closer together. He handed one of them the plates and she nodded and left the room, probably to go wash them. He handed the other one the towel then asked,

"Where are more dry towels?"

She turned around hastily and pulled two warm towels straight from the drying machine, thrusting them at Kakuzu without even bothering to fold them, and running out just like the other one had. Huh, I guess I never noticed before, but to most ordinary people, Kakuzu is pretty terrifying looking. I wondered if they'd seen Kisame yet.

Then, Kakuzu surprised me by turning right around to face me and saying,

"I know what you're up to."

I just gaped back, trying my hardest to look innocent. I was sure that against anyone else(with the exception of Itachi) it would have worked and they would have faltered at least, but not Kakuzu. He's been alive to long to be tricked by puppy dogs eyes(unless, maybe, those eyes were pink...).

"I don't really care but Hidan-" He gave me a smug smile. "You'll be surprised at what you see. Believe me."

He turned back around and walked out the door, but I could still hear him perfectly when he muttered,

"You know, when I got that idiot out of our private bath, I noticed that the only thing that separates our bath from Zetsu and Tobi's is one thin paper screen. I haven't seen those two all day..."

And with that, he was gone.

Now, I still don't really know what his angle was by telling me this. Did he _want _to be spied on? I knew Hidan didn't, and I figured Kakuzu just didn't care, but why would he purposefully tell me all that stuff unless he actually wanted me to sneak into Zetsu and Tobi's room and use my paper jutsu to mold into the paper screen and watch everything that would possibly go on in their bath?

Frankly, I couldn't have cared less _why. _I had finally gotten my big break! This was it. It was operation KakuHida time, and I knew with Kakuzu on my side, it was bound to be juicy.

Of course, I did wonder what he meant when he said I would be surprised, but the only way I was gonna find out was by seeing it with my own two eyes, so I wasted no time thinking about it. I told Nagato I would be gone for a little while and easily slid into Zetsu and Tobi's room, surprised at how clean it was. It was like that hadn't even been inside it once. Ignoring that weirdness, I went outside to their bath and with a few hand signs I was in full spy mode with a perfectly clear view looking right down onto the organically-shaped bath that was just outside Hidan and Kakuzu's room. Their door was open just a bit, and I could even see Hidan's feet sticking out from under the blankets where he laid just inside. After a few minutes of steady breathing I heard the door slide open quietly and footsteps move across the floor. I knew the show was about to begin.

Hidan was the first to-

Oops! I know you can't hear that, but Nagato is calling me about something. Sounds urgent, I better go.

Don't worry though, I'll finish the rest of the story in no time. Just be a little patient, Diary.

Trust me, it's well worth the wait for _this _story!

Later

-Konan!

**There you have it, guys. Take Konan's words seriously now, it's well worth the wait! You should just be happy I updated this much! XD**

**KeikoPanda102**


	6. Dear Diary 5

Diary of a Fag-hag:

Dear Diary,

Sorry I had to run, you wouldn't believe what happened. I'll put it this way: Hidan was involved, and there was a lot of blood.

But anyway, that isn't important now. I didn't get to finish my amazing story last time. The one about the hot springs and Hidan and Kakuzu. And the reason why my last update took so damn long, but that'll come at the end. First, where was I...

Ah, I remember now, hiding in the paper wall in perfect view of Hidan and Kakuzu's spa. If you remember, Hidan hadn't been feeling well because he'd stayed too long in the hot spring the night before, so he was just resting quietly because his voice had gone. It was boring for a few minutes but then Kakuzu came back to the room and things took a turn for the yaoi.

"Still sleeping, Idiot?" Kakuzu said as he closed the sliding door with a snap.

"Hnnn..." Hidan moaned. "Kakuzuuuu, I don't feel good."

There was a loud 'smack' and then Kakuzu said,

"Don't be a drama queen. You aren't feeling _that _bad."

"Ouch!" Hidan croaked. It seemed his voice really was gone. I could barely hear him from outside. "I am feeling ba-"

"Don't talk too much, Stupid, it'll just make you worse. I know that's almost impossible for you to do, but just try, hn?"

I didn't hear anything for a while but the water from the spring flowing. I sure wished I could see into the room. I thought it was weird. From the way the two of them acted around the others they seemed like they fought all the time, but now Kakuzu was acting pretty nice, even caring, and Hidan wasn't even cursing at him. The fact that they could sit quietly in a room together was a strange indicator of the lack of knowledge I really had about the two of them or their relationship.

Finally, after what seemed like forever hiding with my paper jutsu in the wall, Hidan decided to put me out of my misery.

"Kakuzu," he muttered feebly. His voice still hadn't come back completely. "I wanna take a bath."

"Haven't you had enough baths, Moron?" Kakuzu replied.

"No I mean I wanna take a bath... with you, Jerk..." His voice as so soft I barely heard it. Kakuzu snorted right afterwards even though Hidan had sounded strangely... sincere? This whole situation was really weirding me out. Where was my hot and sexy Hidan screaming vulgarities as he got pounded into? Where was my angry, violent Kakuzu raping the hell outta Hidan just because he'd started getting too annoying?

I had pictured all these scenarios in my head before, but now that it had come down it, they were nothing like I'd thought. They were... sweet. No wonder Hidan hadn't wanted me to see! He'd be so embarrassed for acting all girly!

I heard Hidan _humph_ inside the room and then say loudly(though still hoarsely because of his throat),

"Fine then, Kakuzu. I'll just take one by myself. See if I give a damn!"

From the awkward angle I could view into the room I saw Hidan throw the covers from the mat he'd been resting on and slowly get on his knees. From there he tried to stand up straight and walk outside into the now cool dusk air, but he wobbled at the doorway and almost fell if it hadn't been for Kakuzu coming up silently behind him to catch him and promptly sweet him off his feet and up into his strong arms.

Hidan looked surprised at first, but then he just smiled as Kakuzu carried him out to the large bath right outside their room. Luckily for me, now they were in perfect view and I could hear and see everything that happened.

Kakuzu was staring down into Hidan's eyes as he held him above the water. For a second I thought he would lean down and kiss him in a really romantic kind of way...

Then he just dropped Hidan without warning into the water.

There was a big splash, the paper I was part of even got wet too, and of course Hidan yelped before hitting the water. When he came back up he was glaring playfully at Kakuzu. I would have thought he would be madder, but that was when I noticed that Kakuzu had removed his loose clothing and was stepping into the water after Hidan.

As soon as he was waist deep, Hidan moved over to him and while smiling sadistically, let one of his pale hands move slowly up Kakuzu's side. It didn't get very far though, because Kakuzu grabbed his wrist and yanked it up into the air, above Hidan's head. Then, he pulled the back of Hidan's dripping wet hair and pressed his scarred lips against the younger mans with a quiet moan.

"Kakuzu..." Hidan croaked. I could barely hear him and I was _so close!_

Something about that pissed Kakuzu off. He tossed Hidan backwards into the water and glared down at him for a minute while Hidan just rubbed the back of his head that he'd hit on the rock wall around the spring. This seemed more familiar. Kakuzu wasn't being all sweet and caring, he was rough and didn't look like he gave a damn about hurting Hidan. Not that that really surprised me. I mean, nothing would even happen if Hidan got hurt. Not like he could die or anything. Finally Kakuzu growled angrily and said,

"Your pissing me off, Hidan..."

"What'd I even do, Asshole?" Hidan yelled(at least _tried_ to yell) back. All that came out was a hoarse whisper. Kakuzu got even angrier.

He lowered himself into the water and bent over Hidan, grabbing the religious nut's neck in one hand and obviously squeezing it tightly. Hidan started gasping and splashing water everywhere. Kakuzu didn't seem fazed though, like he was used to it, or even like he didn't care. Then, he moved his mouth closer to brush over Hidan's. He did this again and again until Hidan settled down a little bit and started kissing him back. He was acting like he couldn't even feel the hand on his neck anymore. Finally Kakuzu released him and placed both of his hands on either side of Hidan's shoulders on the edge of the pool they were in. He kept kissing Hidan over and over, soon their kisses were getting longer and deeper, so when they broke apart Hidan was panting madly because he was out of breath.

After a particularly heated kiss where Hidan had been doing something I couldn't really see all that well with his legs underwater, they parted and his tongue was left outside his mouth, a string of saliva connecting them until Kakuzu pulled even farther away and it broke. I didn't really have time to wonder about how kissing those creepy black strings of Kakuzu's would feel before I was distracted again. Hidan closed his eyes and moaned softly, bringing his hands up to pry open the silk robe that he was still wearing because Kakuzu'd thrown him in without letting him take it off first.

He looked blistering hot as he frantically pulled the sopping cloth away from his skin. He looked like he was having a hard time at it too, because the cloth was so heavy after soaking up so much water. It stuck to his shining, wet skin the more he tried to remove it.

After watching him amusedly for a few minutes, Kakuzu finally showed some mercy, slipping his hand beneath the silk clothes and sliding them off one of Hidan's shoulders. The air became thick with gentle sweetness again as Kakuzu slowly took the rest of the clothes off Hidan's body. Every time he removed a piece, he would lean down and kiss the skin softly. Hidan silently threw his head back as Kakuzu started leaving marks all along his neck and chest. Hidan started to wrap his arms around Kakuzu's(strange looking) back but then he pulled away and growled,

"You're so damn quiet tonight. It's. pissing. me. off."

It wasn't just Hidan who was confused at this statement. If my mouth had been showing it would have dropped. How much energy does this guy use _daily _complaining about his partners loud, non-stop talking? He never shuts up! He's almost as annoying as Hidan after a while. How could he have he nerve to get angry about the obnoxious idiot being _quiet _for once? Then I remembered, this was the strange, sweet, romantic Hidan and Kakuzu that I was seeing before me, and nothing I knew about the real Hidan and Kakuzu was necessarily true about these two.

Green eyes flashed as the rest of Hidan's clothes were torn from his body by the sudden barrage of black strings from Kakuzu's stitches. The surprised Jashinist was flipped over, holding himself up on the side of the water. Kakuzu grabbed a hold of the pale waist with both hands and thrust forward so hard it looked like he had absolutely no resistance.

Hidan's pink eyes shot open wide and he opened his mouth in a silent scream. After a few more thrusts he let his head drop, panting, onto the cool stones around the pool. Kakuzu leaned over his body and clasped both of his large hands over Hidan's, whispering in his ear just loud enough for me to hear,

"I'm going to do whatever it takes to get your voice back tonight, Hidan. You're going to scream."

There was a huge splash all of a sudden and I closed my eyes involuntarily against the water. When I reopened them I saw that Kakuzu and Hidan had switched positions somewhat. Kakuzu was sitting, leaning back on the edge of the pool, and Hidan sat facing him in his lap. The jashinist looked pained, his face was bright pink with blush and he was biting his lip, one hand gripping Kakuzu's shoulder. He looked like he might fall for a moment, then Kakuzu slid a hand around and up his back, steadying him in his lap. Then, he pulled Hidan closer, so their chests were touching, and kissed him again.

Hidan looked kind of confused, actually. I couldn't figure out why though. As their kiss broke apart, Kakuzu lifted both of Hidan's wrists and placed them around his neck, as if commanding Hidan how to hold him. Hidan kept sucking in little spurts of air like he was trying to keep himself from crying.

"Always so passionate, Hidan." He leaned in to whisper in his lovers(were they lovers? They sure acted that way...) ear, "Relax."

He thrust and Hidan threw his head back in a silent scream. He thrust a few more times and each had the same result, but now Hidan was beginning to enjoy it. His eyes were shut and his jaw was clenched in a discernible smile. But Kakuzu didn't like that. Like he said, he wanted Hidan to scream.

He thrust _really _hard, and Hidan let out a strangled yelp- his voice was still gone from earlier. Kakuzu kept pounding in though, not cruelly though, like I would have assumed, carefully, like he was really trying to make Hidan feel good. Since when did Kakuzu care about making that idiot feel good?

The only thing that kept me from drooling and nosebleeding all over the place was my confusion. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. In fact, if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes, no way in hell I'd believe it! They weren't just having sex because they could, or because they wanted the sexual gratification. They were having sex because they actually _liked _each other. Dare I say... loved... each other?

I kept waiting for one of them to do or say something to prove me wrong. Like maybe, Hidan complaining about something Kakuzu was doing, like it being painful or annoying. But instead if that I just got Hidan screaming as loud as he voice would permit over and over again,

"Oh, Kakuzu! So fuckin' good. Don't stop! Harder! Fuck!"

And I would have at least guess that Kakuzu wouldn't say anything at all, just silently fuck his partner until he was done, then go back inside the room and count his money like nothing had even happened. Instead, I got to see an oddly creepy, but somehow happy, smile stretching his scarred face, and his repeated command,

"Not loud enough, Hidan. I want to hear all of you tonight."

They did go long into the night too, the moon was already high in the sky when finally Hidan's voice started to come back in full. He was clawing at Kakuzu's back, begging to come for what should have been at least the fourth time. Kakuzu smirked and stopped thrusting at once. Hidan opened his bright pink eyes in surprise, then he grew nervous.

"Not until you say it." Kakuzu said in a bored voice.

"Say **what**?" Hidan yelled. Yep, his voice was definitely back.

"You _know_ what I mean."

Hidan gulped then wouldn't catch Kakuzu's gaze. He bit his lip then cringed when Kakuzu did something with his hand under the water(you can probably guess what). He leaned forward, placing kisses on Hidan throat, only making Hidan squirm even more. It was actually kind of funny. I could see why Kakuzu liked to tease him. Finally, Hidan bent his forehead over Kakuzu's left shoulder, the one closest to me. He sat there for a few minutes, then opened his mouth and bit down on Kakuzu's tanned skin. If it hurt, Kakuzu didn't care. He didn't say anything, at least. Just smirked and waited for Hidan to release his skin and mutter softly in his ear,

"It slipped out _one goddamn time _and now you make me- you make me fucking say it every single time we fuck! Old bastard... Why don't _you _say it?"

"Fine." Kakuzu answered, and I was just as surprised as Hidan was. But then Kakuzu just smiled and said, "After you say it."

Cursing, Hidan bit his lip and rubbed his head against Kakuzu's collarbone, apparently thinking it all over. He was still thinking for a whole minute when Kakuzu grew impatient.

"There's no one else here, what does it even matter?" I swear to God, to Kami, to Jashin, to whatever, I saw his green eye twinkle in my direction when he said that, but he would never admit it.

Then, he thrust again. It surprised Hidan and he made a very embarrassing, girly sound. I wanted to snicker under my breath, but I was sure that'd give me away. He picked up his thrusting speed again and muttered into Hidan's ear so quietly I could barely hear(especially over Hidan's... sounds),

"You won't come until you say it."

"I hate you, asshole!"

"Wrong answer!" Kakuzu seemed... I don't know how to put it. Playful? He was having fun tormenting Hidan, but not like sadistic fun, genuine lover fun. Like when you like someone, so you tease them. That innocent, young child mentality. Kakuzu had it, and so did Hidan it seemed. They kept smiling and kissing and I just didn't understand one bit!

Where was my pain loving, overly-religious nutcase? Where was my money-hungry miser who spent every breath he could going on about how much he hated his partner? This had to be some sort of jutsu, no way these were my fellow Akatsuki members! There was just _no way!_

But I couldn't pull myself away from the show in front of me. It was way too hot. I needed a camera so badly it wasn't even fair! My words cannot describe their sex well enough. Not even the most descriptive writer could capture what I was seeing. It had to be some sort of trick!

Hidan and Kakuzu do not know how to love. It's an impossibility!

Yet, when it finally came to a, um... climax, Hidan screamed as loud as his returned voice would let him,

"KAKUZU! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!"

Hidan didn't say another word for the rest of the trip.

Until he found my diary, where I had written a much more detailed account of that night. He screamed and blushed and instantly burnt the entire thing.

That was the reason I hadn't written for so long, diary! It's all Hidan's fault!

On the plus side, I can now make Hidan blush whenever I want to. I just wink and him and giggle a bit.

Kakuzu doesn't really care, I still wonder why he told me all that stuff anyway. I can never really tell, because he's wearing his mask, but whenever I tease Hidan, I think he smiles...

There was one moment at the hotsprings, after I had spied on Hidan and Kakuzu, where Nagato seemed like he was going to say something to me... but then he just turned around and muttered that it was nothing... strange, but oh well.

I've also decided that Tobi and Zetsu are NOT a couple like I thought. I asked the others about it and they assured me that Zetsu didn't believe humans were good for anything but eating. I guess I believe them.

Mostly I'm just a bit tired of all this fangirl stuff. Watching these guys act all happy and lovey-dovey all the time was fun before... but now it's just tiring. It reminds me of how lonely I am sometimes.

The guys try to cheer me up every now and then, but it still hurts.

Well, until next time, Diary.

-Konan

* * *

**Probably only one more chapter, guys. To clear up the Konan and Nagato thing. I have no desire to write Konan/Nagato anymore though... not after the manga chapter where she had a legit thing with Yahiko... but whatever. **

**ALSO, i'm working on a _really great _akatsuki fanfic where each pairing is a different disney fairy tale story. It's a lot more complicated than that, but anyway, it's gonna be GOOD. XD**

**KeikoPanda102**


	7. A vocal recount of events

A vocal recount of the events in Akatsuki headquarters, by Zetsu:

Black Zetsu: Honestly, why is it always so damn dramatic in this place? These criminals are nothing more than horny children.

White Zetsu: Ahhh, we just don't understand the complexities of a human heart, we only understand the pleasantries of the human heart. Tastes like sweetened caramel.

Black Zetsu: Don't get me hungry right now! We're supposed to be explaining what happened in the headquarters today!

White Zetsu: Yeah, yeah... Well it all started when Konan left for the day to run some errands. The others were quite bored and without direction as Leader-sama stayed in his secret room, leaving the rest of us with nothing to do. Hidan and Deidara, being the immature children that they are, decided to cause some havoc. That pious idiot snuck into Konan's room and found her diary. He became obsessed with it since he found out what was in the first one.

Black Zetsu: After reading it out loud and annoying all of us with his bad grammar and stupidity, the other started going on about how Konan was obviously in love with Leader-sama. Like it matters! So what if she is, it's not our job to go around playing matchmakers.

White Zetsu: Yeah but Itachi thought it would be nice to help Miss Angel out.

Black Zetsu: That's not like him, usually he stays out of silly, time-wasting things like this. Anyway, the others agreed to help, so after a lot of bickering about how to do it, Sasori came up with a decent plan. At least he thought it was decent.

White Zetsu: It was decent! Itachi would use genjustsu to knock Leader-sama out for a little bit- his Gods realm body at least. They locked him in Konan's room and waited for her to get back.

Black Zetsu: When she did finally return and went to her room, she found him laying on his bed, all passed out. Being a weak-minded female she got all worried about him and everything, but he woke up right after and everything was fine. I think those idiot were trying to set a mood or something, because next thing they knew, there were candles all around them and music playing. It was cheasy and dumb but it worked for Leader-sama and Konan.

White Zetsu: It was sweet and they got together, Leader-sama even said he loved Konan! Of course with all that love going on, the other's decided to get it on too.

Black Zetsu: It was gross so we took Tobi and left for a little while until they were done. Who would wanna see all that anyway?

White Zetsu: When we got back the mood was really sweet and everything, like there were flowers in the air. Haha, those sentimental morons! Oh well, end of recording...

Black and White Zetsu: All of Akatsuki lived happily ever after!

Black Zetsu: (Until they were each individually murdered only to be brought back to life by a creepy half-snake man with nerdy glasses).

**The end.**


End file.
